There are two possibilities. I can worry or not worry. If I worry, I am in pain all of the time. I think of the worst. It’s agony. If I don’t worry then I might be okay, but I won’t anticipate what might happen. Then I may be caught unprepared and there will be a lot of pain.
Maybe if I worry then I can prepare for the worst and put myself in a position where I don’t suffer as much. On the other hand, if the worst happens then I will be in pain anyhow and maybe there’s nothing that I can do to avoid it.
Problem is that I can’t be certain whether or not preparing for the worst will put me in any better position. This means that, by not worrying, I am taking a risk that I could have done something whilst I still had the chance. But this all comes at a great cost. If I begin to think about the worst then I freeze. This is a problem because the fear takes an almighty grip on me and I might fail because of the fear.
I don’t want to fail because of fear as that is a self fulfilling prophecy.
Why am I in so much pain? Why can’t I relax? More importantly, why can’t I just live in peace?
Every day I have to go through this. I can never be certain that bad things won’t happen. It’s like living on the edge of a precipice. What can I do?
Okay, I get it. I’m supposed to just say that the worst doesn’t always happen. If I keep saying that then I can wait and see. If something bad happens then the pain will only crystallise at that point in time. In the meantime I can live in peace.
I’ll try that. I just can’t stop thinking about the risk of not preparing though. There must be something I can do.
I understand now. I feel that I have to be in control because I will be blamed if something bad happens that causes pain to my family. They’ll say that I caused it. I should have managed things better. I didn’t try hard enough. I failed. I am to blame. That would be very hurtful on top of the pain. I would never intend for that to happen.
I guess the problem is that I am fallible. I make decisions all the time that I think could be of detriment in bad times. For example, if I spend money now, I can be blamed later if I lose my job. They could say that I should have saved more and managed my money better. They would say that the pain and suffering is my fault.
If others didn’t depend on me then I could live with whatever happens. I just don’t want to be the reason for other people’s pain. Especially the pain of my children. I don’t want them to be hungry, for us to have nowhere to live, for me to lose them, for them to be taken away from me, screaming and crying and wriggling violently to free themselves of their captors.
It would break me.