Trapped

I am stuck in this place, surrounded by walls.  Think you can free me can you?  Well you can’t.   There is no escape.

I look around me and I see a world from the outside.  I see things happening, people going about their business, but I’m trapped here with nothing to do, no one to talk to.  I watch them all the time.  I try to get something for myself out of their lives.  They are oblivious.

What keeps them going?  I don’t understand it.  Their world is just a construct.  They inhabit it only seeing things that their senses allow them to.  They don’t see the whole picture, don’t know where they came from or where they are going to.  They are caught up in the short term of their own existence doing mundane things and keeping themselves alive for as long as possible.

From the outside it looks silly.  Go to to work.  Come home again.  Have a weekend.  Have a holiday some time.  Go back to work.  Work until you’re too old to work.  Retire and wait to die.  They get so caught up in little things.  It’s meaningless. It’s not real.  They are just visitors to a place that will be there after they die.   It is a place that is indifferent to them.

What about me?  I see all of this but no one wants to listen.  I see through this place.  I observe it.  I observe them.  I see past them.

I am so lonely.  I am no company to myself.  I feel disdain for myself.  I could have a bigger impact but it’s all so pointless.  At one time in history, I got more involved with them and tried to help them more.  I let them have things and sometimes I even talked to some of them.  We had a much better relationship then.  That was when I cared more. 

But now I don’t care.  Their pain is just a chemical reaction in their brains.  It isn’t real.  It doesn’t affect them when they’re dead.  I know that it matters in the instant in which it occurs but it’s all so temporary.

You will hate me for saying these things.  You’ll think I’m some kind of sociopath, but I’m not.  I’m just through with caring.  I can’t take everything on-board anymore.  Frankly, I’m quite depressed.  If I cared about every little thing I’d go crazy and the worst thing is that I can’t end it.  I can’t get out of here.  I am unable to die.

You think this is a joke?  I am forever.  I will be here forever, even when the universe is gone.  Then maybe I’ll have to replace it – so boring and stupid and pointless.  I need company, but I’m surrounded by unresolvable contradiction.

I can’t have any company.  I can’t die.  This is hell.

God

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